If I Was Bella Swan
by Pottersgal15
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin. This story is basically what would happen if I moved to Forks instead of Bella. Rated T for swearing etc. If you don't like it, by all means flame away.
1. Chapter 1

OK, this is a parody of the novel I love to hate, Twilight. The main character is a massive MASSIVE self-insert, and this is deliberate. I just thought people might like to know what I would do in Bella's place. I'm not going to rant about why I hate Twilight, so if you want to know why I don't like it, please message me and I'll tell you. But remember, this is a parody, just for fun. :) As you are probably aware, I don't own Twilight, it belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Here comes the obligatory introduction. I don't know why, but I always feel I have to do this whenever I start a new diary, even though I never read it again. Anyway, my name's May, I'm almost seventeen years old and I've recently moved to a small town called Knives. Forks, sorry, it's called Forks. I'm also British, which is perhaps why I can't understand why the Americans name their towns after cutlery. I'll breach the culture gap somehow.

I'm not exactly what you'd call attractive. I'm quite short and skinny and my hair is brown. I don't exactly know if that's going to mean much to the Americans, but it does mean in baggy clothes I look like a boy. Still, I can't be that bad-looking because I've got a boyfriend back home. God, I miss him.

I'm here as part of an experiment: my father has decided to do additional medical training in the States, which means we can't afford to stay at home. My whole family – including my little sister, who is ten and extremely annoying – has come too. Hooray.

It occurs to me now that I have no idea how the American school system works. And that I know nothing about American history. Or geography. And quite a few other subjects I've chosen to study on this side of the Atlantic.

Oh dear.

* * *

In the dark of the night, a phone rang. A marble hand picked it up, and a voice, cold and hard like diamond, answered.

"What is it?"

"We can't find her. She's gone."

"What do you mean, gone? Look harder."

"We've searched everywhere. You're going to have to find a replacement."

* * *

Dear Diary,

So it comes to the first day of school and I get dropped off by my mum. What a great way to start. It makes sense because she was going that way anyway, and I can't drive myself, but really. I must look like a complete freak, but it's not my fault I couldn't start driving before I came here. Curse you, seventeen year old age limit.

After that encouraging start, I'm met by a boy who seems nice enough. Blonde, middle height, compare to me. He's called Mick, or Mike, or something similar. He's all right, once we get past the whole 'you're British' thing.

The classes aren't too bad. Everyone seems friendly enough, once you put aside the repeated requests to say words like 'pavement' and nappy' instead of 'sidewalk' and 'diaper'. I don't know much about America, but this is how I pictured it.

There's this one guy who does seem a bit odd, though. He's really tall, and pale. Kind of attractive, in a very creepy sort of way. A little like a teeny-bopper's favourite actor trying to be a vampire. Which meant he had considerable potential...until I saw his flaming ginger hair.

Now don't get me wrong. Ginger guys are perfectly nice. In fact, this one wasn't even all that ginger, his hair was a more bronze-ish sort of colour. But ginger guys just do not do it for me. I mean, the most famous ginger guy in England is Prince Harry, and he's just a rich idiot. Hardly the poster boy for hot gingers. I guess it's just an English thing. Ginger guys are not attractive in England.

But anyway, he's being all cold and creepy. I've got to sit next to him in Biology and for the whole lesson he just ignored me and wrinkled his nose like I smelled. What a charmer. Still, that's his problem, not mine. My problem is the obscene amount of American education I have to catch up on.

* * *

_She_ is the replacement. I don't know what happened to the first girl but by God I wish it hadn't. This girl's got no chest at all, and in that baggy shirt she wore today she looked like a boy.

Still, that won't be much of a problem. Once I turn my mysterious charm on her, she'll start sprucing herself up a bit. Bit more make-up, bit more low-cut tops, that sort of thing. She wasn't wearing anything of the kind today. No make-up, a pair of jeans with a massive great hole in the knee and an enormous baggy shirt that made her look like one of the seven dwarves. She's certainly short enough to be one.

Well, at least she's clean. And God knows I can't wait any longer. Emmett has Rosalie, Jasper has Alice, Carlisle has Esme. I'm going to take whatever I can get. It's not like it's going to be a challenge.

I need the blood. Live, human blood. It's so difficult to fight it. This is my one chance to drink some; I cannot waste it.

It really is a very fortunate thing the humans invented hickeys. They are the perfect disguise for a bite.

Now, time to put my charm to work.

* * *

Dear Diary,

It's been about a week since I started school, and it's still pretty hectic. I have so much catching up to do that I barely have time to talk to my boyfriend in the evenings. His name is Ali, and he's a damn good catch, if I say so myself. We chat on MSN and webcam and stuff every evening, even though it's always the middle of the night in the UK when I get back from school. He's so sweet, I can't help missing him.

A weird thing happened in my Biology class today. I can't shake this feeling that that ginger guy, Edward, is really bad news. He's been off the past week, and I was a bit pissed off that he wouldn't speak to me on my first day. But now he's suddenly decided to be talkative, and friendly, in a really cold sort of way. If I didn't know better, I'd say he was on his period.

This conversation just stuck in my mind, I have to write it down. At this point, I'd just come in to the Biology lab and put my stuff on the desk next to his. Stupid seating plan. Anyway, it starts off normal enough:

"Hey."

"Hey."

"How're you?"

"I'm fine."

"You smell good."

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"Nothing."

Then, there's a bit of an awkward pause, and he starts up the conversation again.

"Don't you want to know where I've been?"

"You can tell me if you like. I'm not that bothered."

"Why's that?"

"You don't seem to like me very much."

"That's not true, I like you a lot. You smell good."

"What?"

"Nothing. Tell me, what colour are my eyes?"

I recognised that ploy well, I had been plotting to use it on my boyfriend before we started dating. So I kept my distance, sitting as far away as possible while squinting into his eyes.

"They're kind of yellowy."

"Some say they're like jewels."

"Really."

"Topaz, actually. Don't you agree?"

"Nope, they're definitely yellow."

"Topaz, like the jewels on a fine –"

"Yellow."

"Golden, like the sun on a –"

"Yellow."

"Like a sunflower?"

"More like a –"

At that point the conversation was cut off by the Biology teacher. This was just as well, as all I could think of to describe the colour of Edward's eyes was piss. I doubt that would have gone down well. I told Ali about this and he just laughed. Almost until he cried, actually.

"He fancies you," he said, his dark curly head shaking with laughter, "He fancies you like hell."

"No he doesn't!" It's hard enough to get your point across through webcam, but it doesn't help that Ali's laughing his head off and I can't get a word in edgeways.

"Is he pretty?" he says, looking at me with his dark brown eyes. Ali's got very long eyelashes, which he bats like a girl when he's pretending to be gay. His eyes are just amazing.

"What can I say, those topaz eyes..."

"Oh, you like that? Should I get contacts?"

"No, don't."

* * *

"So, Edward. Are you successful?"

Edward stood in the dark, his hands sullenly in his pockets. "No," he mumbled.

"Dear me. Well, we will just have to help things along a bit, won't we?"

Edward's eyes lit up. "You would do that for me?"

"Of course."

* * *

So that's the end of chapter one! Let me know what you think, if I missed anything vitally important, etc etc. Thanks for reading :)


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

Chapter Two! And you thought I'd give up ;) Once again, this is a parody, not to be taken seriously, and I do not own the Twilight series or any characters, that belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Enjoy!

* * *

Dear Diary,

I'm writing this in hospital at the moment. My parents are freaking out. Today in the school car park I almost got hit by a car and I hit my head. It's not too bad, surprisingly. I could've died, but all I got was mild concussion. No broken bones or anything. But that was not because of luck.

When the van skidded towards me, Edward Cullen sprang out of nowhere and pulled me out of its path. What's more, he stopped the van by slamming it with the palms of his hands. Now I don't like this guy, but even I have to admit, that's pretty cool.

He might have saved my life but he's one weird guy. He was in here earlier, turns out his dad's a doctor here. At first he was pretty normal. I'd had a lot of people come in and ask me how I was doing, and the conversation started off like any other.

"So...how're you feeling?"

Then it turned strange.

"You punched a hole in the side of a van."

"No I didn't."

"You did. I saw you."

"Ah, but you've got concussion."

"There's a dent in that guy's van."

"Ah, but what if it's a hallucination? You can't trust your mind after an accident like that."

"No, there's a massive dent in the side of his van shaped like a handprint. That's not a hallucination."

"Dear, dear. Poor little May," he says, putting his hand on my forehead like he knows what he's doing, "you're seeing things."

"Jesus Christ! Your hands are freezing, get off!"

At this point, he gets a really strange look on his face. His eyes go all wide and he says in a low voice "And why do you think that is?"

There was a long, very awkward silence.

"Because you have bad circulation in your hands. I get the same thing, it's nothing serious."

There was another awkward silence.

"No. That's not it."

"Are you kidding? It runs in the family. Nothing to worry about, you'll be fine."

He walked off at that, looking put out. Strange boy.

* * *

"So how's it going?"

"Oh God, where to start?"

"Come on, you can tell us."

"She's totally unreceptive. I tried the 'ice cold hand' trick today and she diagnosed me with bad circulation."

"What's that? You might want to get it looked at..."

"Shut up!"

"Have you tried watching her in her sleep? Chicks love that. Works every time."

"Does it?"

"Oh yeah. Like a charm."

* * *

Dear Diary,

I keep getting this weird feeling that I'm being watched whenever I go to bed. I told Dad about it and he fitted an alarm, but it keeps going off every night. He's talking about getting a man trap to replace it.

This Edward guy is really freaking me out. I think he might be slightly delusional. Thank God Biology is the only lesson I have with him. If I had any more I'd go insane.

He's decided he's not talking to me, which I have _no_ problem with. Biology lessons are spent in silence, so I actually get some work done. But yesterday he kept glancing at me, and out of the blue he goes:

"It's too dangerous for us to be friends."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I know you want to get close to me, but you can't. It's too dangerous."

"I don't want to get close to you. And we're not friends, you keep ignoring me."

"Please," he says, in a voice so loud half the lab turns to stare at him, "try to understand."

"Understand what? You're not telling me anything!"

"I have to keep secrets from you to keep you safe!"

"Just shut up. You're distracting me."

And now today, in Biology (why do I have so many Biology lessons in this school??) he turns to me and says:

"I'm tired of staying away from you."

What is with this guy? I reckon Ali's right; he must have some kind of weird crush on me to act this strange. I'll just have to drop a few hints about being taken and let him down gently.

I wish I could talk to Ali about it, but it's Ramadan now so whenever I'm online he and his family are eating together. And no matter how much I'd like to, I'm not cruel enough to deprive a teenage boy of his food.

* * *

What is wrong with this girl?

My technique is tried and tested. Everyone who's gone before her has succumbed to my study charm, so why not her? Is my bronze hair and alabaster skin just not attractive?

Oh God, I hope I haven't got a zit. I can't tell myself, seeing as my reflection doesn't show up in a mirror because I have no soul, but that might explain it. Seeing as vampires' bodies don't change, you'd expect them not to get any new zits, but we do. We just _do_.

I have to admit, she's prettier than I first thought, but still nothing special. Creeping into other people's rooms at night and watching them sleep shows you a whole other side to them. The best way to understand a teenage girl is to watch them when they are completely defenceless and vulnerable, and preferably in skimpy pyjamas. So in a way I've really gotten to know her.

That Muslim boy she keeps talking to is nowhere near as attractive as me. His eyes are brown, _my_ eyes are _topaz_.

* * *

OK, that's that for this chapter! Please read, review and let me know what you think. Hit me!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter threeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Huzzah. Once again, I do not own Twilight or any of its characters, they belong to Stephenie Meyer. And as you may have guessed, May is a poor imitation of myself. Please let me know what you think!

* * *

Dear Diary,

I am getting sick and tired of that bloody Cullen boy. What an idiot! Yes, he saved my life, I'm very grateful, but he doesn't need to be a protective douchebag because of it.

For example, in Biology we were doing some blood test type stuff. I wasn't particularly looking forward to it because it required you to stab yourself in the thumb and bleed onto a piece of paper. But I wasn't that bothered. However, as soon as I pick up the little stabby thing, Edward waves his hand in the air like Hermione Granger on crack and yells:

"Sir! Sir! May's gone green!"

"What? No I haven't?"

"She shouldn't do the blood test. She's too fragile after her accident."

"What? What're you talking about, you freak?"

"I'll take her to the nurse. Don't worry, everyone, I've got it under control."

And then, he picks me up (I'm pretty shrimpy, so this is easy for most people to do) and physically carries me to the nurse's office. I'm kicking and screaming all the way there and nobody says or does _anything_.

The minute I get into the nurse's office he starts telling her about how I fainted and am too ill and frail to do anything and I should be taken home this instant. And the stupid woman agrees with him! It makes me mad just thinking about it.

In the car, he gets even worse. First of all, he insisted on driving me home. All this would be very gentlemanly and considerate if not for two things. The first: he wasn't listening to a word I was saying, and the second: I wasn't actually sick. I was pissed off.

"I can't have you fainting all over the place, May."

"For your information, I feel fine. No thanks to you. Do you know how much I'm going to have to catch up on?"

"It's all right, I'll take care of you."

"Oh yeah, and you've done a brilliant job so far. You're really weird."

"Do I scare you?" he says, that same creepy look on his face.

"No."

He chuckled. Chuckled, the bastard, like an old fat man chuckles at a child.

We pulled up by my house and I sprung out the door, eager to get away from him.

"Promise me you'll be careful over the weekend. You attract so much trouble, you need someone to look after you."

I slammed the door, waited until he had driven away and made rude gestures at him. Bastard.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Edward-free weekends really are the best kind of weekend. The sunshine seemed to drive him away, so I went to relax at the beach with some people from school. It was pretty awesome, we never get beach weather in the UK.

The beach backs onto a reservation, and I met one of the guys from there. He seems nice enough; his name's Jacob. He's a real joker. He really set me up: he spent ages telling me this ghost story about werewolves and vampires and then, at the last second:

"It's the Cullens. They're the same ones!"

Of course, I burst out laughing. I can't believe he kept up the trick for so long! I would've been in stitches within two minutes. He looked a bit put out, maybe there was more of the joke to come.

Ah well. Damn, that was hilarious.

* * *

"Sorry, man, it's just not working."

"What? You told her the story, right?"

"Yeah, but she thought I was pulling a prank on her. Give up while you're ahead."

"No! I am Edward Cullen, and I am studly, gorgeous and masculine. I do not give up."

"Suit yourself."

* * *

Dear Diary,

Edward Cullen is like sand: he gets everywhere. Today, I went off to this town nearby called Port Angeles to do some shopping with the girls from school. It was pretty good; they got some nice stuff. Anyway, we split up for an hour and I wander off by myself. Maybe that was a bit stupid, in a town I'd never been to before, but I didn't want to have someone holding my hand the whole time.

So I'm walking along, minding my own business, when up pops this group of guys. They're all bigger than me (but that's not hard) and a few years older, and laughing this gorilla laugh that all big, stupid guys seem to do: 'Hur hur hur.'

So I take a small diversion. A couple of them follow me, so I divert myself again. And again. By now I'm pretty lost, and soon I'm surrounded by the whole group, and it doesn't look good for me. I know a little martial arts, but for some reason I panicked, I couldn't remember any of it.

So I go for the basics. When the first one came for me, going "Hur hur hur," I kicked him in the groin and he doubles over, clutching his balls. While he's down, I kick him in the face. Not very honourable, but hey, it worked. I think I broke his nose, there was quite a lot of blood.

When the second guy comes at me, I remember some more of my martial arts stuff, but it doesn't go as planned. He grabbed my wrist, so I grabbed his back, ducked underneath his arm and twisted it up his back. I forgot what I was supposed to do next, so I kicked him in the nuts. That worked quite well.

To cut a long story short, I ended up kicking each one in the balls until they were all lying on the ground in pain. I straighten up, feeling very pleased with myself, when a silver car pulls up and Edward Cullen sticks his head out the window.

"Get in."

"No!"

He looks around, and he looks really shocked. "What happened here?"

"I kicked them in the nuts. Repeatedly."

He winces. "Couldn't you have waited until I turned up to save you?"

"You took too long. I wasn't about to let them rape me, or whatever."

"Just prattle about something unimportant until I calm down."

"I'm sorry, _what_? You didn't _do_ anything. Now piss off."

I started to walk away, but then he got out of the car and says "I'm going to take you to dinner."

At that point, I remember I have no money and my stomach rumbles very loudly, so I take him up on his offer.

"You're paying. But this is not a date."

"All right."

God, I hate this guy. But I was starving, and I guess he had good intentions. So I get in, make my excuses to the girls, and we go to this Italian restaurant.

"Table for two?" says the waitress. She's checking him out, and Edward throws back his shoulders, sticks out his chest and tries to look manly.

"We're on a date," he says.

"No we're not."

"We are. Don't listen to her, she's in shock. I saved her 'cos I'm so manly."

And then, he pats me on the head. And at that point, I decide to be the worst date ever.

We eventually sit down in a little booth table thing, which was mortifying enough. So to get my own back, I order the most expensive thing on the menu, with the full intention of sending it back after one bite. But when it arrived, it was like taking a bite out of Heaven; I just couldn't do it.

All the while Edward is sitting there looking smug and raising his eyebrows significantly when he says he's not going to eat anything. He probably couldn't afford to, ha ha. I'm so evil.

"So, you given any more thought to my mysterious yet manly demeanour?" he says, smiling this weird lopsided smile that makes him look excruciatingly smug.

"Wha?" I say, my mouth full of ravioli. God, I love Italian food.

"Have you worked out my deep dark mysterious secret?"

"You're gay?"

"No!"

"Then I've got no ideas."

"You mean you've given no thought at all to my pale alabaster skin? My glittering topaz eyes? My incredibly studly strength and speed? It doesn't bother you?"

"Sure I have. You spend a lot of time indoors, you wear yellow contacts, and you go to the gym. Simple as."

"But it's so much more complicated than that," he says, pulling that weird face again.

"Really."

"Haven't you ever wondered why you've never seen me in the sun?"

"It's not very sunny round here."

"For God's sake! I'm a vampire!"

"No, you're just an emo kid. Don't worry, you'll grow out of it."

* * *

And there we have it! Let me know what you think, and if I've missed anything horrendouosly important. And if you don't like, by all means flame away.


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